Final Entry.

23 Mar

Sad to say, this will be my final entry into this pseudo-diary. It’s been quite revealing to be able to write with no audience or feedback in mind. It’s like when we were kids, we used to sneak out at night, and my sister would go to the roof access of our apartment building and start yelling at the top of her lungs. It kind of feels that way. Just letting out a scream, knowing that no one can hear you. Except, people did hear my sister, and we got in trouble. For reasons known only to me, I’ve decided to end this streak of writing. So what to put in my final entry?

Hopefully, I’ve recorded memories during my life that I can one day cherish again. In all of these posts I’ve tried to voice my joys, as well as my disappointments, what makes me happy, and the things that make me sad, sometimes angry. I can see why people lead double lives. Some people do it because they hate their real lives. Some, I think most, are disappointed at what they’ve become. A part of it is getting to a point when we realize we are not in control of our lives anymore. We have to do this for someone else, sacrifice that for her, etc. Is it wrong to lead a double life? Absolutely it is. It hurts people. The majority of us will simply dream of some other version of ourselves. We’ll live vicarously through someone else. We’ll fantasize about things we don’t have. 

Now, I know I’m making it sound like I have a horrible life. I don’t. I have a great life. I have an awesome family. I have a wonderful wife. These disappointments are mine. They are voids in me that I despise about myself. But like I said, I’m left to dream of some better version of me. Maybe when I’m 39, I’ll decide that enough is enough – that I deserve the things I want. Maybe I’ll finally have a motorcycle (although, by that time I’ll definitely look like a loser trying too hard to get my youthful days back). Maybe when I’m 49 I’ll realize how sad of a man I’ve become. And maybe not. Maybe I’ll decide today to Carpe Diem. Maybe I’ll go and meet that better version of me, and become that man. Maybe…

Yammering Uselessly will now come to an end. I have not been disappointed about doing this. It’s been so great to air out my thoughts and feelings. Who knows, maybe it’ll be 1 week until I feel an itch to write something again – but maybe through another blog. But for now, I’m signing out.

I love my family, spread out across the world. I love my wife, who is caring, loving, and understanding. She is everything that is good in me, and the only reason why I keep going the way I’m going.

Out.

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