Archive | June, 2012

Do You Like You?

26 Jun

In my recent struggles and frustrations, I have been reflecting on many aspects of my own life. I came to this conclusion – I don’t like me. I don’t like the person I’ve become.

Maybe its because, somewhere out there, I believe there’s a better version of me. Someone who has adventure in his life. Someone who  lives with passion. Someone who has drive in his life. It’s a sad moment when a man must face his reality. No dreams, no lofty ideas, no imaginations, no better versions of ourselves. Just the stale, the mundane, the awful reality of what we see in the mirror. No glorious plans for the future, no goals, no taste.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we let people change us. We let the people we love, change us into a person more palatable to them. We give up some freedoms, some choices. Sometimes, we kill our own goals, so that the people we love can be happy with us.

But what if, in all that giving up and having someone love us, we end up hating ourselves? What if we end up losing our dreams, our passions? What if we don’t like the man we’ve become?

Well…. we die. To others, we function, like robots we go on with their idea of “living”. But in us, in our heart of hearts, we have died. We have lost the things the excite us, things that give us reasons to hope and breathe. We die.

So that’s what will happen — this guy that I wish I could be – the guy that goes surfing whenever he gets a chance, the guy that climbs mountains, the guy that jumps out of helicopters to snowboard down a mountain, the guy that builds and restores vintage bikes and rides with an unyielding smile on his face —

choice.

21 Jun

I wonder if I had not known God, or if I had not met Jesus Christ and accepted Him as my Saviour as a teenager, would I still choose Him today?

I took a long look at my life as a 29 year old. I’ve got a good job that’s promising and is leading me into better positions. I’ve got a great wife who loves and cares for me. If I were not a Christian now, if I knew nothing of God and Jesus Christ, if I knew nothing about Christianity, would I still choose to be a Christian today?

I’m not stating the Christianity is the proponent of all my downfalls in life. I’m not saying that it is the reason I have success in the places I do have success. Christianity is my identity right now, but is it what makes me – me? My likes and dislikes, my demeanor, my humour, my fears…

I guess I’m asking myself, if I would still chose a relationship with Jesus Christ? I wish I could know Him with the innocence of a new believer. I wish my vision of Him wouldn’t be marred by the pain and suffering in my heart. I wish I could meet Him again, as a friend, and not as my judge. I wish I could be introduced to Him as the Giver of life and peace, not the Master Puppeteer of my life. Is there a way to know Him that way? Can I simply forget the baggage in my past? Can I forget the hurts and unfulfilled promises in my life? Can I just know Him, as the Comforter, my refuge, my shield, and my strength? He is all those things, I know. But I cannot help but feel the pain I’ve endured, when I feel He is silent towards me.

The Bitter Wave.

12 Jun

Needless to say, I’m still stewing in bitterness.

I feel so small and insignificant, compared to God’s plan and purpose. I imagine His plan to be a gigantic wave with tremendous force. You know what happens when you stand in front of a wave? You get knocked down, and hurt. But then the wave just disappears, and all remnants of that wave just disappear back into the ocean. And then another wave comes.

I feel powerless against His will. I feel His decision is made, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve found favour or you are cursed in His sight. It doesn’t matter if you are His child or not. You still get knocked over. You still get hurt. You still pick yourself back up and wait for the next wave.  And since He isn’t in the business of answering questions, we’re left to wonder. We’re left to question why such heartache would be pleasing to Him. And we are left in silence.

Yes, I know it will all make sense in the end, but, it hurts now – doesn’t that count for anything? Doesn’t my pain mean anything to Him? Doesn’t this broken heart move Him to do anything?

Yea, in silence I wait. For what? I’m not sure as of yet. At this point, the thing I’m sure of is that I am not OK with this. I will not accept this as good. I will never look back and say that this was a good thing that happened to me. How could it be? I understand now why people dwell in bitterness. It is because, in this great scheme, where we are useless and powerless pawns, bitterness is one decision we can actually make for ourselves. It is an action we can hold on to. It is a tangible handle on a situation that seems uncontrollable. We become bitter because at least it gives us a sense of choice in the matter.

Broken.

7 Jun

So I thought I’d never write another post on this blog again. Turns out, there’s a writer within me after all. I’ve been looking for another outlet to spill these thoughts swirling in my head. I kept trying to convince myself that it was unnecessary. However, I realized that writing sometimes isn’t for the benefit of an audience, but for the writer himself. I’m posting because of me.

I need to write something.

These last few weeks have been the worst weeks of my entire life. Even having survived a near fatal accident a few years ago, broken bones don’t hurt as much as the brokeness of the heart.

Miscarriage.

It went from exhiliration to sorrow. Shocking, how so much joy can disappear so quickly. How that,  whatever sadness there may be, it just gets swallowed up by greater and deeper sadness.

Sad.

That word is funny to me. It seems juvenile, like when you’re sad when you didn’t get to play the game you wanted. But truthfully, “sad” is a word to silence all words. You can throw around any terminology you want i.e. depressed, unhappy – none of those words carry the same coldness, the darkness, the loneliness of the word “sad”.

The world seems cold and lonely to me. It feels colourless. I feel like whatever motivation or direction I had in my life, it’s all been taken away from me. Desire, gone. I have never felt this magnitude of sadness in my life. I have never wept as I wept.