The Bitter Wave.

12 Jun

Needless to say, I’m still stewing in bitterness.

I feel so small and insignificant, compared to God’s plan and purpose. I imagine His plan to be a gigantic wave with tremendous force. You know what happens when you stand in front of a wave? You get knocked down, and hurt. But then the wave just disappears, and all remnants of that wave just disappear back into the ocean. And then another wave comes.

I feel powerless against His will. I feel His decision is made, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve found favour or you are cursed in His sight. It doesn’t matter if you are His child or not. You still get knocked over. You still get hurt. You still pick yourself back up and wait for the next wave.  And since He isn’t in the business of answering questions, we’re left to wonder. We’re left to question why such heartache would be pleasing to Him. And we are left in silence.

Yes, I know it will all make sense in the end, but, it hurts now – doesn’t that count for anything? Doesn’t my pain mean anything to Him? Doesn’t this broken heart move Him to do anything?

Yea, in silence I wait. For what? I’m not sure as of yet. At this point, the thing I’m sure of is that I am not OK with this. I will not accept this as good. I will never look back and say that this was a good thing that happened to me. How could it be? I understand now why people dwell in bitterness. It is because, in this great scheme, where we are useless and powerless pawns, bitterness is one decision we can actually make for ourselves. It is an action we can hold on to. It is a tangible handle on a situation that seems uncontrollable. We become bitter because at least it gives us a sense of choice in the matter.

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