Archive | October, 2012

Cautiously Excited.

25 Oct

Recently we found out some great news. It’s the kind of news that would warrant the best, most exciting, most exuberant celebrations. News that would evoke elation, and just the utmost excitement. The kind of news that would fill a man’s empty heart.

But because of our past sadness, I couldn’t react that way. Instead, we were cautiously excited.

I had to ask myself, and God, “Is this what heartbreak does?” Does heartbreak cause us to miss out on joyful events? Does it cause us to think twice before fully investing our hearts into whatever great thing is suppose to happen? Does it cause us to guard our hearts more closely, to keep it from further heart break?

I had to look at my own heart. Is this the kind of person I want to be? Someone who is always guarded. I realized that this may not be the kind of person I want to be, but this is the kind of person I have become.

I asked God if this is what He wanted from me. You know those rhetorical question (I guess all questions to God are rhetorical) you ask God that are really not for Him, but they’re actually a way for us to express ourselves? Yeah, I had a bunch of those. Like, “Is this what faith is suppose to display? Is this what going through a storm should feel like? Aren’t suppose to be stronger than this because of the trials I just went through?”

But no. I’m afraid that if I show any form of joy, that God will want to take that away. I’m afraid that if let my heart go, my hopes and dreams will be crushed into a million pieces. What kind of life is this? Is this abundant living? No. Just a life left scarred from the storms.