Final Entry.

23 Mar

Sad to say, this will be my final entry into this pseudo-diary. It’s been quite revealing to be able to write with no audience or feedback in mind. It’s like when we were kids, we used to sneak out at night, and my sister would go to the roof access of our apartment building and start yelling at the top of her lungs. It kind of feels that way. Just letting out a scream, knowing that no one can hear you. Except, people did hear my sister, and we got in trouble. For reasons known only to me, I’ve decided to end this streak of writing. So what to put in my final entry?

Hopefully, I’ve recorded memories during my life that I can one day cherish again. In all of these posts I’ve tried to voice my joys, as well as my disappointments, what makes me happy, and the things that make me sad, sometimes angry. I can see why people lead double lives. Some people do it because they hate their real lives. Some, I think most, are disappointed at what they’ve become. A part of it is getting to a point when we realize we are not in control of our lives anymore. We have to do this for someone else, sacrifice that for her, etc. Is it wrong to lead a double life? Absolutely it is. It hurts people. The majority of us will simply dream of some other version of ourselves. We’ll live vicarously through someone else. We’ll fantasize about things we don’t have. 

Now, I know I’m making it sound like I have a horrible life. I don’t. I have a great life. I have an awesome family. I have a wonderful wife. These disappointments are mine. They are voids in me that I despise about myself. But like I said, I’m left to dream of some better version of me. Maybe when I’m 39, I’ll decide that enough is enough – that I deserve the things I want. Maybe I’ll finally have a motorcycle (although, by that time I’ll definitely look like a loser trying too hard to get my youthful days back). Maybe when I’m 49 I’ll realize how sad of a man I’ve become. And maybe not. Maybe I’ll decide today to Carpe Diem. Maybe I’ll go and meet that better version of me, and become that man. Maybe…

Yammering Uselessly will now come to an end. I have not been disappointed about doing this. It’s been so great to air out my thoughts and feelings. Who knows, maybe it’ll be 1 week until I feel an itch to write something again – but maybe through another blog. But for now, I’m signing out.

I love my family, spread out across the world. I love my wife, who is caring, loving, and understanding. She is everything that is good in me, and the only reason why I keep going the way I’m going.

Out.

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Trust.

22 Mar

I’ve been driving myself nuts because of this paranoia I have. Stupid things I’ve been picking up on. The worst part is, I tend to feed the paranoia. This isn’t good. I’ve never felt this way in this situation. I’m sure we’ll get out of this and think, how silly was my mistrust and paranoia.

Happy Monday!

19 Mar

Well, after a busy weekend, I actually found some time to relax. I’m on a mission to make “napping” a national past time. It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, you should be made to nap. I remember in college, taking quick naps in between work shifts. Ahhh, the joy, the bliss, the amazing feeling of being rested.

Now, if I’m going to make this a national event, we have to have some guidelines. First, you must wear jeans and your most comfortable hoodie. Next, you will need to find your comfiest blanket. Lastly, you must nap on your comfy couch.

Trust me, this is the best way to nap. If I had my choice, I would nap at work too.

Friday Bloggin’….

16 Mar

Happy Friday.. we made it again.

What a crazy week. I’ll have to sit down, take a deep breath, and collect my thoughts on this one. But, that can’t happen until the storm is past. I really had to remind myself this week not to worry about the things that I cannot control. I’m growing, learning, evolving… I’m sure that once this month is over, I can spend some more time just relaxing and enjoying this life.

Have a great weekend. Take time to relax. It is important. It is imperative.

The Undying Dream…

13 Mar

Remember in elementary school, how our teachers would motivate us to dream big dreams? Well, I have a big dream and its not what you think. It’s not some desire for a better world, or to end world hunger. It’s actually quite selfish. It’s something for me. It’s something I WANT, and obviously, it’s something I can’t have.

A motorcycle. I know. Just go out and get one, right? Not that easy. Adulthood is not really so much about freedom, but more about responsibility. I’m not saying that owning and riding a bike is irresponsible. There are a lot of responsible people out there who hit the road with their bikes. But for me, my responsibility is in keeping my significant other safe and secure. I always have to remind myself, how that my commitment to that other person is far greater than my own wants. Sacrifice, I guess.

Here’s the dream: Black, Military Olive, or dark grey, Vintage Triumph, BSA, or Indian Motorcycle, bobbed with some nice fat wheels. It has to be a little grimy, a little dirty. I’m not one for shiny things. In the dream, me wearing an old school helmet, with a black bandana across my mouth and nose to protect myself from on-coming bugs and other debris. I’m not into those pocket rockets, ninjas, or gsxr’s, or cbr’s. I’m all about the old school, the ride, the drop, the bob, the lay, the lean, just the pure enjoyment of leaning back on a nice ride.

Sounds like a dream ride.  Will it come true? Honestly, I’m afraid that it won’t. But I hate the hoplessness, the finality of it never coming true. So even if I know in my mind that I’ll never get to see this in my life, I have to believe it in my heart. Call it “hopeless belief”. Is anything sadder than that? Well, maybe one thing: killing the dream, when the power is still in you to continue dreaming.

So here’s to the hopeless belief of someday riding a motorcycle.

 

Hmm.. .”someday”. “Someday” is just code for never.

Happy Monday…

12 Mar

So this weekend was too busy. I’m getting that feeling of things, deadlines, and other commitments piling up slowly, and its getting hard to keep up with all the things that need to get done. A few years ago, I would be a mess by now. I’m still a nervous wreck, just a more controlled one. I’m learning to deal with things slowly, and timely (not procrastinating). I was wired/trained to multi-task. Multitasking has its benefits, but it really wears on you. Never mind the fact of endangering your sanity. Sometimes you begin to multitask even your relationships.

Multitasking is definitely not a trait we are born with, in my opinion. Ever observed a child fixating on a single task, whether it be putting sand in their pockets, playing with cars and other things? I’m finding more and more how valuable someone’s fixed attention is. Paying attention, and listening are definitley DISCIPLINES that are mastered only through practice.

Friday Bloggin…….

10 Mar

IT’S FRIDAY!!!!

AND IT’S RAINY!!!

Which I don’t particularly mind. What to say today? Well, first of all, I’m losing a friend. He and his family are moving away.

Connection. Why do we feel connected to some people, and not to others? Its very strange. My friend and I, on the surface, you’d never pick us out to have the kind of friendship we have. First of all, he’s old enough to be my father, actually, about the same age as my dad. But I’m glad that the surface is not where it counts. I will greatly miss my friend.